Solar Midnite
by rememberese
Summary: Holly J carries the weight of Jane's secret. How much longer can she lie to her best friend, Spinner? Declan, Jane, Spinner, Holly J, Jay, and more to come. Takes place after episode 906.
1. Chapter 1

Note: This takes place after episode 906. It's only aired on CTV thus far. Lyrics from Lupe Fiasco's song, "Solar Midnite".

I'd never had a friend like Jane. She was smart, funny, and had a strong sense of herself. She was anything but the average girl. I mean, all you have to do is look at the evidence. While most of us were cheering, she played on the football team. While most of us struggled to make it through the day, she had goals for herself and for her future.

One time, Spin told me that he was worried about what would happen when she graduated.

"She's got a lot of things ahead of her. All I have is this."

"That's not true, Spin. You're fearless. You'd be successful wherever you decide to go."

I didn't know if that was the right advice at the time. I believed it, but I wasn't sure that he did. I knew that he'd follow her to the end of the earth, but even he could see that she may not have exactly wanted that.

Knowing how dedicated he was made it even harder for me to know that Jane had done something to hurt him.

I had never really been in this situation before. Pigs would fly and the sky would turn purple before Anya even thought about cheating on Sav. Personally, I'd never been with anyone long enough to know what that lethal combination of stagnancy and frustration could do. I'd like to think I'm not that kind of girl. I'm too upfront to ever hide something like that. That's where Jane and I differed. She was cheating on her boyfriend.

I thought I was the only one who knew about Declan and Jane. I wasn't positive, though. I mean, if it was public enough for me to notice, maybe someone else had too.

The first time Declan and I met, he had charmed me. Maybe it was those eyes. It could have been the demeanor and the way he flirted without seeming...creepy? A lot of the guys at Degrassi had yet to master that art. I was impressed to meet someone who had. Okay, fine. It might have also had something to do with how cool he was about the accident. Stupid of me, though. I guess I should have thanked Jane for being in the car with me, because that was the only reason he let it go.

The worst was working with Spin everyday at The Dot. It hadn't been that long ago that he'd gently shattered my heart. Friendship had been even better between us after what I refer to as "The Incident", if you can imagine that. I wasn't trying to hide something from him anymore, and he knew that I wasn't just there to make a buck. I enjoyed his company too. It was like knowing how I felt about him made it easier for him to see me as an equal. Yeah, he was my boss, but he was also my friend. In a world where I didn't have a lot of people I could count on, I welcomed the consistency.

Spinner had been through a lot in his life. Sometimes he'd tell me about the things he'd experienced in high school. There'd been a school shooting, break-ups, cancer, expulsion, fights and the list went on. It read like a lifetime of disasters. It seemed impossible to me that all these experiences had been confined in those high school years. I mean, what had I done? I was Student Council President and had some failed relationship attempts.

I think part of the reason why I fell for him is that he's somehow risen from all the adversity. I mean, I watched him get shot. I'd watched him get shot and I thought we would never get out of there. I thought he'd never know how I felt about him.

Once again, he rose from the ashes. Unfortunately, it was with the knowledge that I was basically in love with him. When he'd acknowledged that he had heard everything, he gave me words of advice that I've kept close. They helped me to learn to see us as friends again.

Now, I was lying to my friend. When I came into work after school, he'd ask me how my day went.

"Oh, you know, just felt gut-wrenchingly guilty all day. No biggie."

Yeah, right. That would have gone over well. I'd tell him that things were fine and ask him to make me a burger. I guess that's what they call comfort eating. I'm pretty sure I'd be 200 pounds of pure grease and guilt soon.

"_Complicated heartbreak, losing its direction. Cold day, warm heart, object of affection. Darkside love affair, come to my protection."_


	2. Chapter 2

The only reason I agreed to keep my mouth shut is because Jane promised me it was over. She promised me that she would stop hooking up with Declan and that she wouldn't hurt Spinner anymore. I looked her dead in the eye when she made that promise. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's knowing when I'm being bullshitted. She seemed sincere enough for me to keep up my end of the bargain—to not tell Spin.

Today, that wasn't going to be so easy. When I got into work. Spin told me Jay was going to drop by when he left the garage. Most of the time, I like having Jay around. I will never let him know that, but I like that he speaks his mind. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm the same way, even when what's on my mind isn't always the nicest thing. Jay isn't afraid of, well, anyone. He bites back.

If I'm not having a good day I know I can make fun of his car, his Manny obsession, or his dumb hats. I also knew that I'd have to hear all about dating guys who are named after colors, how much he used to want to bang my sister, or my terrible service. On that day, he walked into the Dot and immediately got to work.

"Yo, look who it is! Freckles, to what do I owe this honor?"

"I'm working, Spaz. What's your excuse?"

"Now I need an excuse to hang out with two of my best friends."

"Oh, I didn't know Mommy and Daddy were here!"

"Funny, J. Where's your boy, Purple?" he said with a smirk. My shift had barely started and he was already trying to push my buttons.

"Funny, _Jay_. I couldn't care less," I told him as I tilted my head and shot back the same smirk.

"Oh, so it's like that?"

"It's like that. We broke up. He got weird. You know me, I don't deal well with that."

He didn't really strike a nerve or anything. Blue wasn't the guy for me. He wanted some superhero Holly J and I most certainly wasn't cut out to save anyone these days. I gave him a chance and let him see the real me. Blue just didn't like that real me and there was no point in wasting time trying to conform to the me he wanted. I'd be okay.

"Guy seemed like a pansy, anyway."

That was Jay Hogart's own special brand of sensitivity. It doesn't come around often, so you have to appreciate it when it does. I gave him a half-smile and passed a glass of soda across the counter.

I started to zone out when he and Spin started talking about cars, catalytic converters, and other guy topics. I didn't feel left out or anything. Sometimes guys need their guy time and I had enough things on my mind to keep myself occupied.

I only focused back in when I saw the last person I wanted to see walked through the door. Declan. Immediately, I checked on the few other tables that had customers and began cleaning dishes that didn't need to be cleaned. Looking busy became my first priority in that moment. Unlikely as it was, I secretly hoped he would catch the vibe and just go away.

It didn't take long for Spinner to give me a skeptical glance. I flashed him a toothy smile and pretended not to notice our newest patron.

"J, can you go take his order? He's waiting on Jane. They're working on that school theater production thingy," Spin told me.

I groaned, not caring if Declan or Spin heard it. I walked over to where Declan was sitting. I tried to let my eyes do the talking. "Don't mess with me," the words echoed in my head.

It was funny. When I first met him, I couldn't help but think how classically good looking he was. Now, I couldn't find him more repulsive.

"Do you want something?" I asked him, monotonously.

"Wow, you've got a little spunk in you today, don't you?" Declan said with a wink.

"I'm not here for smalltalk. Do you want something or not?"

"Well, I wanted you over here and now I've got it."

"I'm taking that as an 'or not'."

I walked back to the counter and sat down next to Jay. He'd watched the whole thing.

"Damn, Holly J. What was that?"

"Nothing. Just shut up."

Declan motioned for me to come over again. I was more than done with his games, at that point. I couldn't possibly look at him any longer, never mind engage in whatever conversation he was trying to make. Spinner looked up from the milkshake he was making and asked me what had happened.

"Nothing. Spin, honestly, I don't feel all that great. You know, that big I've got a math exam tomorrow headache is starting to kick in. Do you mind if I check out a little bit early?"

Spinner squinted and looked at me skeptically.

"I thought you said you had that one in the bag."

"I did. I mean, I do, but..."

At that moment, Jane walked in. Spinner and Jane had their couple-y hello while Jay looked at me as if I was completely insane. He knew something was up. When Jay knows something is up, he doesn't rest until he's got all the details.

"Holly J, hey! I've got this great idea, I think we can expand the business. Mia was telling me about Izzy's school, and I think we should start to bring in some business from the kids over there. Lunch, tomorrow?"

"Hey. Yeah, sure. Sounds great!" I said, trying to hold any contempt from my voice. I didn't know how Jane could act so normal. It was like nothing had even happened.

"Good. Tomorrow then," she said as she made her way over to Declan's table.

"J, do you really want to go?" Spinner asked, as he turned back to me.

"Yeah, Spin. I do."

Jay sipped on his soda and watched our conversation unfold. He could see right through me. I was surprised everyone hadn't. I'm a horrible liar.

"What's wrong, J? You've been acting really weird the last few days."

"Spin, I told you. I'm just kind of stressed out about school."

"Okay, go ahead. It's not that busy right now, anyway. For the record, I'm still not buying it. In fact, I think someone is a little more upset about their ex-boyfriend than they are letting on."

I gave a half-smile that neither confirmed or denied anything that he was saying. If he wanted to think I was still hung up on Blue, all the better. At least it gave me an excuse to get out of this explosive environment.

"_I can see it in your eyes, everything you're hiding. I can see the truth in you, even when you're lying." _


	3. Chapter 3

My stomach was doing flips when I left The Dot. I wanted nothing more than to forget that I'd ever seen anything. I wish I could erase the memory of Declan and Jane kissing from my brain. I wish I didn't care so much about Spinner's feelings. I wish I knew that if he found out, he wouldn't completely fall apart.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to face them every single day.

I started my walk home thinking about which excuse I could give my parents for being home early. Maybe I could tell them that the grill had blown up and The Dot had to shut down. That probably wasn't the best idea. Ever since the place was held up, they hadn't been too keen on me working there. Now that Jane and I had the babysitting gig going, I didn't really need the money as much. I wasn't contemplating quitting or anything, it just wasn't a necessity as it once had been.

It was about ten minutes into my walk when I started to hear a loud engine and some hip-hop music. A car pulled up beside me. Of course, I had heard it coming and didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. The car window rolled down.

"You know, you don't do stealth very well," I said without looking up.

"Duly noted. Let me bring you home," Jay replied

"I'm good. I need a nice walk to clear my head," I said, finally stopping.

"Holly J. Sinclair."

"Jason Eugene Hogart."

"That's not my middle name."

"I know, but wouldn't it be funny if it was?" I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"We gotta talk. Get in the car," he said reaching over to open the door for me.

"Jay, I know you think we need to talk, but just trust me on this one. You're better off not knowing anything."

"J, I'm not sure what this is about, but from the vibe you were giving off back there, I can guess. Tell me what you know."

"I can't."

"Fine, then let me tell you what I do," he replied.

Suddenly, I was riding shotgun while Jay blasted whatever Canadian hip-hop was en vogue. I was pretty sure that this is what happens in Hell. I bit on my lip and tried to regain my composure. We sat without talking for a minute.

"Jay, whatever you think you know, you're wrong. Okay? In fact, it wouldn't matter if you were right, because it isn't any of our business."

"Listen, Spin's my best friend. We've been causing trouble together since Grade 10. I've watched him go through a lot of girls, but I've never seen him the way he is with Jane. He's in love. He'd do anything for that girl. He's there at her every beck and call."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, well, I've dated girls like that. They don't last too long. You get bored when someone is always there. You get annoyed. You start to slowly pull yourself away and try new things. Am I getting close?"

"Jay..."

"I've noticed it, Sinclair. She hasn't been around as much. She turned him down when he asked her to move in with her. She refuses to talk about what their post-grad plans are. She's always working on that school play with the kid with the eyebrows. Remember, that rich guy who you basically told to go kick rocks today? These aren't the actions of someone who is ecstatic in their relationship. Not to mention, the other day Spin was convinced he was getting dumped. He said Jane came in acting all weird and thought she was going to end it. He was laughing about it, J. He was laughing that he could have gotten it so wrong. You know what I was thinking? Maybe he got it right. He's my friend. I can't see him go down like this. If you know something, you have to give him the heads up."

"Jay, their relationship issues aren't my business."

"He's your friend. If he finds out that you kept something from him, that might no longer be the case."

"I guess that's a chance I have to take."

"Look, I know you and Jane are friends," Jay said. His tone had gone from giving me a lecture to understanding. I wasn't all that familiar with this side of Jay. "I also know there's something going on with her. If she told you she's done with him or she's done anything that could hurt him, tell him. You and Jane have been cool for what, a few weeks? Listen to me when I tell you Spinner is the kind of friend who will be there for you no matter what."

"I know he is."

"He told me that you had feelings for him. I know that's probably not what you want to hear right now, but he wasn't sure if he'd handled it the right way. He told me he couldn't lose you as his friend, but he also couldn't think of anyone but Jane in that way. When you bounced back like it was nothing, he was impressed. And grateful. Really grateful that he still had you in his life. Now this conversation never happened. Got it, Waitress?"

"Never happened."

I couldn't think straight anymore. Jay pulled into my driveway and I started to lean for the door. Jay put his hand on my arm and I looked over at him.

"You let me know if I have to kick someone's ass. There's nothing I like more than to make pretty boys bleed."

"_Now your mother used to tell me you ain't nothing but some trouble. Now it's a couple troublemakers making mayhem on the double."_


	4. Chapter 4

I walked around school like a zombie the following day. I hadn't slept much. I'd spent the night thinking about how I'd inadvertently clued Jay in on everything that was going on. If he had suspicions, I knew it couldn't be long before the word got back to Spin.

Jay, annoying as he could be, was right for once. Spinner probably wouldn't be very forgiving if he found out I was keeping this from him. The only thing running through my mind was how he hadn't even thought twice about replacing Peter in Studz. Peter messed up once and was completely shut out in a matter of days. It'd take him about five minutes to replace me at the Dot. It would probably take even less to replace me as a friend.

When I wasn't torturing myself with trying to predict at what moment Spin would kick me to the curb, I was torturing myself trying to figure out exactly what Jay meant when he said Spinner is grateful for me. Is it because of the night he got shot? Or is it something more? Did he like the fact that I had spent months smitten with him? Is it some sort of ego boost to keep me around? Or is he just glad we're friends, in the simplest sense? Did it even matter?

Yeah, I guess it matters. There have been times in this last year where Spin was the only person I could even count on. Sure, he fired me once, but I sort of deserved it. Plus, he'd been there for me when I had some of my lowest times. When the entire school had turned against me because of some juvenile FaceRange group, Spin understood why I couldn't come to work. If lost him as a friend, the only person I would have to fall back on was that yo-yo Anya.

It's crazy how one thing can weigh on your mind so much. I hadn't been able to focus on schoolwork. I had barely put a thought into what I was wearing. Worst of all, I hadn't made fun of a Niner in days. I'd turned into one of those lame chicks who let their entire world be rocked by some guy. I'm just not good with secrets. This scandal had really buried my whole aura.

When Jane showed up at my locker before class, I did all I could to leave the zombie version of myself to the wayside.

"Holly J! I have some big babysitting bucks for you!" she said enthusiastically. It was weird. I had never seen Jane do enthusiasm until I found out her secret. It's like she was trying to placate me with exclamation points or something.

"Cool. Thanks, Jane," I said as she handed me a twenty. I forced a smile.

"Hey, I know things were weird yesterday, but I didn't realize you and Declan were still hanging out. It kind of caught me off-guard," I continued. Jane's lips tightened and I could tell she was starting to get annoyed.

"It's not hanging out. It's homework," she replied coldly.

"It doesn't matter what it is. You told me you wouldn't see him anymore," I said, standing my ground.

"I'm not seeing him and I don't need you keeping tabs on me."

"You came into my place of work. It's hardly keeping tabs."

"Don't get weird on me about this, Holly J. You're the one who told me to stay with Spin in the first place!"

"I'm weird? You're the one who got weird. I only said to stick with Spin because I thought you weren't going to see Declan anymore."

"Stop saying it like that!"

"Like what, Jane?"

"Like I'm _seeing_ Decs. I'm not. It's just school stuff."

"Cute nickname," I shot back.

"We? Are no longer discussing this. I've gotta go. I can't do lunch today. Just forget everything, Holly J. I know you pine for my boyfriend, but this has nothing to do with you."

Before I could get another word in, Jane was halfway down the hall.

"_Darkside love affair, out of time and in a rush."_


	5. Chapter 5

After that particularly terrible day at school, I was back at the Dot for a shift. Jane's words had really gotten to me and I was in no mood to provide service to my fellow students. Instead, I sat at the counter and sipped on a vanilla milkshake.

I watched Sav and Anya making eyes at each other from across their table. They were easily the most lame people on the face of this planet. It was like someone had froze them at age twelve and they were forced to stay the same forever. Riley was eating french fries a couple of tables over. He sat with one of the guys from football team today, but lately I'd seen him around a lot with Fiona. What was it about those Coyne kids? One had Jane cheating and the other finally got Riley to date a Degrassi chick? Are people really _that_ attracted to any sort of power? Danny and Derek were also on the prowl today, approaching any chick that walked in. There are few people I find more repulsive than Derek. He was like some sort of in-bred hyena with no social skills whatsoever.

I know my reputation had changed with all of them. They were no longer trying to drive me out of school by chanting "I hate Holly J" and I wasn't getting the silent treatment from my "friends", but it all seemed so fake. They liked me because of one event. They didn't particularly like my personality or even want to spend any sort of time with me. It was just hundreds of smiling faces greeting me in the hallway, as though it even mattered.

"Are you going to do _any_ work today, J?" Spinner asked me while grilling a sandwich.

"You make a mean vanilla shake, Spin. Can you fault me?" I said with a smirk.

"I guess not. It's just good to see you smile, J. How was that, you know, test?" Spin said, while looking around to make sure no one was paying attention.

"Aced it," I replied, looking at him. "Wait, are we talking about the test or are we talking about, you know, Blue?"

"The second one. I know you aced the test. You ace all of your tests. I just didn't want to blow up your spot and name names. You clear things up with him?" Spin replied.

Yeah, clear as in I clearly haven't talked to him since we broke up and I have no clear plans to ever talk to him again.

"It's officially over," I said.

"Oh, right on time my friend," Spinner said as Jay walked in the door to the Dot.

"Let the games begin," Jay replied smirking.

Jay had his usual black baseball cap backwards on his head. He had a gray hooded sweatshirt unzipped over a black t. His jeans were frayed at the bottom and dragged over his sneakers. He had the keys to his car in his hand and as he sat down next to me, he dropped them onto the counter. He gave me a half-smile and nodded his head toward Spinner.

"What's going on, man? I'm just about to school Holly J on the inner-workings of a man," Spinner told him.

"Nothing. You're...cheery?" Jay said as he shot me a look.

"How could I not be? We're all living the dream here." Spin replied with a smile.

"Ha, it doesn't get better than this, does it?" Jay said with a chuckle. "Anyway, young Holly J, all you have to know about guys is we like two things low on a woman. One, your self-esteem and two, the cut of your shirts. Actually--"

"Spare me your sexist diatribe, Jay, " I said rolling my eyes and elbowing him in the side.

He turned to me and feigned injury.

"Ow, keep those pointy elbows to yourself, Holly J," Jay said. He reached over and touched my elbow. He pretended it was sharp enough to penetrate his skin.

"Come on, Jay. We're doing a pep talk, here," Spinner said interrupted Jay's act. He leaned over the counter, resting his head in his right hand. "Don't listen to him. Most guys just wants a chill girl who won't try to change him. Someone who can be herself. You'll find that one out there who can see passed all the insults and find the smart, kind of cool, and brave chick who lies beneath."

Smart? I'd spent enough years sharing the halls with numskulls to know that I was one of the few that had a clue what was going on. Kind of cool? I'd gone from being the most popular girl in school to the girl everyone hated, and back again. Cool didn't really matter anymore. Brave resonated with me. It wasn't a secret that Spin credited me with saving his life. I'd like to think he'd seen me as brave for other reasons too.

"Kind of cool? That's pretty lame for a pep talk, Spin," I replied.

"I can upgrade you to regular cool if you put that milkshake down and do some dishes."

"Kind of cool, it is! Anyway, I'm fine, really, but I appreciate it. I mean, except for Jay's part," I said giving Jay a smirk.

"Hey, Holly J, at least my dia-whatever was keeping it real," Jay said, poking me in the side.

"Well, Jay, sometimes the last thing you need to hear is what's real," I said looking down into my milkshake.

"No kidding," he said spinning around on his seat.

There was silence for a few seconds. Spinner looked at Jay and then directed his eyes toward me. I could almost see the wheels in his head turning.

"Guys, what's going on with you two?"

"Nothing!" Jay and I both said, practically in unison. I laughed nervously and tapped my fingernails against the counter.

Spinner tilted his head and looked at me skeptically.

"I mean, if I didn't know better I'd think you were...into each other. I mean, yesterday you basically left together, today I have no idea what you're talking about, and you keep...like, looking at each other. It's not in your normal annoyed way either," Spin said.

"_That_ grease monkey and I? Ha—I may be a little weird these days, but I haven't completely lost my mind, " I scoffed.

"Freckles, you're not fooling anyone. You'd be lucky to get a little of this," Jay replied giving me a wink.

"A little of what, gonorrhea?"

"Dude, burn," Spinner said, sufficiently convinced that he'd misread the situation.

"Oh, that's right. I'm not her type. Holly J exclusively dates gay men. Spinner, you still have Marco's number? I'm sure little J would love to get her hands on that, " Jay said.

"High school dropout, " I countered, rolling my eyes.

"Goody-two shoes," he said, mockingly flashing me a smile.

Before I could get in another word, Spinner stepped interrupted our verbal sparring.

"Okay, okay, I get it, guys. I guess everyone's been a little weird lately," Spinner said. "Anyway, Jay, what are you doing tonight?"

"The usual," he replied with a shrug.

"Oh, so, waiting for Manny to call?" I spat.

"At least I have someone that'll call," he smugly replied.

Spinner shook his head at the two of us.

"Wanna come over to the man pad tonight? I've got a couple of bottles left from the housewarming party that need to be killed."

"Sure, dude. You know me, I can't say no to free booze."

"Cool. It works out because Jane's working with that Declan kid again tonight on their project and I need a night to just kick it. Between the Studz and work, I haven't had any me time lately."

I was mid-sip as Spinner explained that Jane would be off with Declan tonight. I felt myself gasp and my vanilla milkshake went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and for some of the shake to spray over the counter. Jay's eyes got really wide and his jaw sort of dropped. He had a terrible pokerface, but then again, I'm the one who had sprayed milkshake everywhere. Yeah, Spin, I'm really brave. I can't even find the guts to tell my best friend something I know he needs to hear.

"Yo, Holly J, is this some sort of new eating disorder all the kids are down with?" Jay said trying to inject humor into the situation.

"Funny, Jay. No...just it went down the wrong pipe," I said, finally catching my breath.

"All right, you. You're cut off before you make more of a mess," Spinner said as he took my glass away.

"Sure, whatever. I'm gonna go get cleaned up, " I said, standing up from the counter.

I looked over my shoulder as I headed to the bathroom. Jay was nervously tapping his foot while he and Spinner planned for their guys night. For a second, I thought about prodding Jay to tell Spin what was going on. Maybe it'd be easier coming from him. Yeah, I was really living up to that label of brave.

"_You can't help me till the sunrise lifts up."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Note: **Thanks for all the feedback! I really appreciate it whether it's good, bad, or somewhere in the middle.

For the rest of my shift, I worked non-stop. I took orders. I cleared tables. I refilled drinks. I wiped down counters. I didn't have a spare second to think about anything. When closing time came, I swept. I mopped. I cleaned the grill.

"Holly J, I hope you aren't looking for a raise or something," Spinner said as he watched me empty the trash can.

"No, Spin."

"Then what? You've been a perfect employee for the last few hours. Did aliens take over your body?"

"Something like that. I just want to get out of here."

"Okay, Secretive J, we can get going. I think we're done in here. Record time, too."

"Hey, Spin..."

"Yeah?"

"You said I'm brave."

"You basically saved my life. I'm obligated to think so."

"Okay."

"J, stop. You're brave. I mean, it seems like you've kind of lost your mind lately, but usually you're one of the toughest girls I know."

"Then, I have to tell you something. It's hard. I think doing what's right is brave and if I'm going to live up to that label, I need to do what's right."

"Okay..." Spinner looked at me perplexed.

I took a deep breath. Brave. I had to be brave. This woe is me act I've been pulling the last few days had been cowardly.

"Just spit it out, J."

"The other day a sitter canceled on Jane and I at the last minute. I thought Jane and I were gonna like, you know, argue over who would take the job, but she took it with no problem. It was really sweet. You remember that night I was going to go over and surprise her with dinner? I wanted her to know that I appreciated the fact that I finally had a trustworthy female friend. When I got to the door..."

I paused as I felt my stomach sink.

"When I got to the door, I saw her there, with Declan. They were kissing. They...hooked up. I promised her I wouldn't say anything if she ended it, but I just...I can't be sure it's over and you're my best friend, Spin."

Spinner looked me in the eye as if to absorb every word that I was saying.

"Holly J, stop."

"No. Spin, no."

"You know, people have said a lot of things about you. The guys in the band warned me to be careful. Sav told me how you tried to split up his relationship with Anya. They said that you're manipulative, controlling, and that you really live to make others miserable, but I didn't buy into it."

"Well, you shouldn't have."

"No, I should have. Everyone hated you. Were they really all wrong? Sure, you're back on their good side now, but I'm starting to think they were right the first time around. You're a selfish _bitch_, Holly J."

I felt my cheeks get hot. I'd never heard Spin so genuinely angry. I couldn't believe the terrible things he'd just said to me.

"You don't believe me. That's fine. You don't believe me, but you don't have to say all that horrible stuff. And how quickly you forget that everyone once hated you too. Were they right too? I've never done anything to make you miserable or manipulate you. I shouldn't be working here, not with some moron who can't even see the signs when they're right in front of his face. I quit, Spin."

I threw my apron into his chest and walked out the door.

* * *

When I got home that night, I spent hours trying to sleep. I wasn't thinking about what happened. In fact, for the first time in weeks I had actually felt relieved. It no longer felt like the weight of the world was on my chest. I was no longer upset. I was just mad. I was mad at Jane for letting some guy not only ruin her relationship with Spin, but with me too. I was mad at Spinner for turning on me so quickly. I was mad at Jay for getting in my head about the whole thing. Yeah, I was really mad at Jay.

It was a night of letting my thoughts be known and I certainly wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon, so I did the only thing I could do. I called Jay. At 12:23am, I called Jay. I wanted nothing more than to yell at him.

"Hello?" a sleepy voice asked.

"Jay, I hate you right now. But do you know what outweighs my hate for you? Spin's hate for me. Do you know what outweighs that? My seething rage for Declan and Jane. So, in fact, I cannot even hate you properly right now," I said, talking a mile a minute.

"Girl, slow down."

"Do you know what happened to me today? Do you, Jay? I no longer have a job."

"Well, I can't commiserate about losing a job, but I think I lost a pretty good friend today."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Well, I went to Spin's place after work, like we'd planned. Something seemed really off and I questioned him on and it and he said you quit."

"I did."

"Well, after prodding him to tell me the details, he finally let me know that you told him about that rich kid and Jane. I told him that you were probably right and that all of the signs had been there for weeks. He kicked me out."

"Well, at least I kicked myself out..."

"Yeah," Jay said, snorting.

There was a silence.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"Wait."

"Okay."

"Holly J, don't be upset."

"I'm not. I'm mad."

"He's just in denial."

"Yeah, you're telling me," I said sarcastically.

"Holly J. The man just found out that the woman he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with is cheating on him. He's got a license to go a little crazy."

"I just thought I meant more. Or at least that you did."

"It's complicated. He'll come to his senses. He always does. It's not always fast. It's not always pretty, but he will. And when he does, he's gonna need us more than ever."

"Easy for you to say, Jay. He didn't call you a selfish bitch."

"Look, I'm going to bed. Don't do anything rash. Or, more rash than what you've already done today."

"Hey, you told me to."

"I didn't tell you to quit your job! But, you did the right thing. I've got your back on this one."

"Jay Hogart has my back. Jesus, is this really what it's come to?"

"Hey, you just remind me of myself. I mean, not all the teenage girl shit, but that evil streak you have. I guess, it's like you're the little sister I never had, and as much as I live to make your life miserable, I hate to see other people do it to you."

"Jay...that was...almost sweet?" I said.

"You know, Manny's been telling me I'm going soft."

"TMI, Jay."

I felt myself smile for the first time since Spin and I had talked.

"Haha, go to sleep, Holly J. I promise things will work out."

"Goodnight, Jay."

"_When it's sunshine, and it's solar, and it's over, guess it's me and you."_


	7. Chapter 7

The weekend went by quickly and I dreaded going back to school on Monday. I hadn't talk to Jay since the night Spinner cut us both off. I'd wanted to, but I had a feeling he had given me all the wisdom he had on the situation. He told me all we could do was wait. He was right. I was waiting.

From what Heather told me, Jay had always been somewhat of a loner. He'd had girlfriends in high school, but he was never faithful. She told me that rumors were always flying about his latest hook-up. Jay hadn't ever told me about any parents. I always kind of assumed he had some problems there. He had friendships of convenience and I don't think he really knew what it was like to care about anyone. He knew what it was like to meet-up with the drug dealers downtown. He knew what it was like to hook up with girls down in the ravine. He knew enough to stay on the good side of everyone at work. He just didn't seem to have anyone real. I mean, besides Spinner. Heather told me how they both ended up isolated. She told me no one would talk to them and that Jay never worked up the courage to come back to Degrassi.

Their friendship was no mystery to me because both men knew what it felt like to be an outcast. It was probably why I got along with them so well. They saw the world differently than all the Power Squad girls at school. They were different from all the football players. They had nothing in common with the innocent niners. They certainly were nothing like idealistic Blue. Blue who believed anything was possible if you worked hard enough. Blue who wanted hot tubs and leis and colorful straws and everything to be perfect at some meaningless dance. They were realistic. They had other priorities. They were just trying to get by.

Now it was years later and Jay had become infatuated with Manny. It seemed like she was the one person he actually let his guard down for. Eventually, she left him too. She was an actress and all he could do was to hope to be a phone call at the end of her busy day.

I was no expert on reading people, but made sense he'd developed this broody loner persona. The only thing that bothered me was how much I could relate to him. I mean, sometimes we didn't even need to explain ourselves to each other. I mean, that time in the car, Jay knew exactly what was going on without me letting the words slip.

That's why it was no surprise that he hadn't tried to talk to me these last few days. He'd rather deal with it on his own. It was the only way he knew.

As I walked into the front doors of Degrassi, someone touched my arm and pulled me to the side.

"You've made my life very difficult, Holly J, " Declan said, keeping his hand on my arm.

"Oh, _I've_ made _your _life difficult? Forgive me, I can't seem to find any sympathy right now," I replied, as I wiggled away.

"Well, Holly J, I was having fun. I was having a lot of fun, that was until you got involved."

"I'm sure you'll find fun somewhere else. I have to get to homeroom now, Declan."

I started to walk away as he continued.

"I didn't sign up to be someone's boyfriend. Now that she dumped that guy from the Dot, that's what she wants. What am I going to say, no? After all this? I'm stuck here, Holly J."

As surprised as I was to be filled in on this news by Declan, I remained calm.

"What'd you expect? You did this to yourself..." I trailed off. I felt his piercing eyes on me as I walked away.

"_Tryna figure out the meaning and break apart the puzzles"_


End file.
